you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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