he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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