she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need a beard to bite.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
