nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
