theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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