Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
