how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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