Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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