I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
