ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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