I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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