: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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