God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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