Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
