I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had to cum in my sink.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
