Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
