It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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