Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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