Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
