I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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