There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
