I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's blow job season.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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