I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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