John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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