There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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