apparently the secret to your success is patron
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
