Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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