she woke up with a sticky ear
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
