So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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