I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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