Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
