Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
there is glitter all over my balls
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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