I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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