Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
