My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
