dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
