maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
