I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
