Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
