Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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