hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
