just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
ttyl tear gas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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