Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
