I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
