You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
