I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
