We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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