omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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