please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
