I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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