so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't notice because vodka
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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