Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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