Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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